Visible Invisibility

I'm angry
I'm pissed
I'm mad at the fact I'm judged by people who know nothing about me
I'm judged only by what people hear or what they make themselves see
I'm unsatisfied with what and who society wants me to be
Or better yet what those who detest society want me to believe

"Wipe off that makeup, take out that weave,
That superficial mess won't make you a queen"
The hypocrisy of those want to better everyone
But change everyone
Because they won't understand everyone
Because we aren't ONE

I am different
You are different
And those who can comprehend that difference
have the real vision

Since when did foundation, mascara, and a little concealer
make someone less than a woman & not realer
than the woman natural and perm-free
but only praised when her locks don't look nappy
A hair extension won't determine if I'll go to hell,
hold my man down in jail,
graduate from Yale,
or simply how I smell.

My push up bra should not offend you
Crop tops, tight jeans, and lipstick will all continue
Sorry but this is the real me, who is the real you?

I will not tolerate bigotry, gender stratification, and forced stereotypes.

Lavender Skies

After being pushed down so much & being told how inadequate she was in terms of beauty, the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan.

But psychologically the swan was already damaged.  She had no mother or father to tell her how pretty she was as a child, she had no partner to ever confess his appreciation of her beauty without wanting something in return, and she had no true friend who helped pick her up from the dark trenches of her sub conscious.

Forever that swan will feel inadequate.  She will receive less than what she deserves.  She will become bitter.
Others will fawn over her beauty, but take advantage of her insecurities.  Her insecurities will stick to her as the shadows that follow her at night.  And even when those shadows leave, her insecurities will tangle themselves within the roots of her hair & penetrate the being of her soul, shining for all to see.

Mothers and fathers. Tell your daughters they are beautiful randomly.  They will need it.
Men. Cherish the women you love and never be shy to express your appreciation for all that they are. They will need it.
Friends. You must be the hero when all other saviors have failed.  They will need it.

Love & Relationships 099

There is nothing like being completely 100 with someone and KNOWING that they love you regardless.  You don't have to worry about if they're dogging you to their guys because without a doubt they would never place you on such a low level in their life.  To have someone who wants to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to them is beyond amazing.  Someone who doesn't make you settle for one word responses and ambiguous sayings via text because they'd rather pick up the phone and talk to you is just beautiful.

To have someone who is not scared to break down all their walls and dive head first into loving you is truly a gift from God.  Arguments, disagreements, and unconscious attitudes are all parts of relationships and to have someone willing to work through them instead of throwing in the towel is more than anyone could ask for.

Don't be fooled by all your dead end relationships because I promise true and pure love is waiting for each and every one of us.  You're are going to run into plenty of dogs and even be a dog every once in a while yourself but don't settle.  Never lower your standards because you'll end up stuck.  Stuck with someone who's half loving you but you're just so scared to get back out there because of all the previous heart breakers you've encountered.

THIS IS NOT ONLY FOR THE LADIES. There are so many men who go through it as well. Just because you carry a handbag and cry while watching The Titanic doesn't make you exempt from being a dog.

But all I want to say is to be patient and to love others as you'd want to be loved regardless of if you'd want to be with them in the long run.

Closure Part 2

How could you take away the one person I care about?
How could you . . . bitch?
Rhyming words can't explain my disgust
Karma can't settle this fucking dust
Bullets can't soothe my soul
Seeing you suffer isn't even my goal
I want pain ... so quick and deep
I want yells drawn out and loud
I want you to feel my pain
But I'm done...

My fucking road dog.  Partner in crime.
Just fuck me over, my heart did the time
I could be the first person you talk to in the morning and the last at night
But STILL you push me to the left; that shit not right
Lying about simple shit
You thought I was a simple bitch?
And although I'll always love you . . I'm done!

So where have I gone?
Honestly nowhere.
I've suppressed emotions and learned not to care
Changed my body, changed my hair
Sweet Courtney is listening and partly still here
But the new girl is in control and I have no plans of going anywhere

Closure Pt. 1

I'm so tired of spilling tears of hate
Tired of bashing down the doors of fate
My life is now destructing at an incredible rate

Where the hell have I gone?
To understand that -- it starts with where I've been
I swear I've been through so much shit with them

How could you like me so much but lie so much?
How could the devil have such a tender touch?
How could you work so hard just to give it all up?
Why did I finally stop giving a fuck?

All I can ask is to stop calling me with the lies
Don't speak that shit while looking into my eyes
Save your apologies and temporary goodbyes
I'll allow you to be the man and keep your pride
Because I'm done

To be continued . . . .

Live Your Life (2010)

As I was updating my Facebook page which I haven't changed since early 2009, I was looking through how the old Courtney used to be.  Granted I had much ratchetivity about myself including what I decided was appropriate to define myself by and even how I typed, adding extra letters to words and whatnot.  But I came across a poem I had wrote and despite my slightly too hood ways I realized my heart was still in the same place.  So despite the mess I seemed to act like it didn't define who I really was. Which sums up the purpose of this last paragraph -- what you post, the way you type, and the folkways we break don't define who we really are.  So next time you're judging someone just based off of what they post on a social network, realize that everything you post isn't always a direct reflection of you.  But that doesn't mean be completely reckless -- people will judge anyway. Sucks but we can only change society one person at a time.

But here goes that poem:

Life is way too short to be bulllshiting around
Live your life with a smile, never a frown
Live with love in your heart and happiness in your mind
Cause life is lovely and death is never kind

Young man died yesterday, gunshot to the head
He died that night but souls were also dead
Tears filling the canal surrounding my soul
You'll be here one minute and the next you'll be gone

9 year old girl died of AIDS yesterday
You'd never think of a child dying that way
Lived with God in her heart but still had to go
You could leave this world any time, you'll never know

This lady lived life with a burning inferno beating in her chest
Had a form of cancer living in her breast
Cried straight for a week, misery on her mind
But learned to live life to the the fullest cause death is never kind

So many of us take life for granted . . .

Rest in Peace to all my Trayvons, my Shelias, my Hakeems, my Jaelas, my God's angels . .

July.

Vacant 'I love you's
'I miss you's full of misread emotion

I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.
I'm over you.

Walls - Random Thought 05/24/2013

Walls.

We build them up to block the pain and harm that we no longer want to experience.  We use them to protect us from all that unwanted hurt that people seem to feel we rightfully deserve.  But what about when those same walls start to block out happiness and joy.  What do we do when those walls are so high that we can't distinguish the difference between genuine care and false love because we won't even allow ourselves to peek over and even take a glance?

Surely these walls can protect us from everything we fear but they can also stop us from obtaining everything we've ever desired.

Stop and . . . THINK *gasp*

Sometimes I really wish I didn't think so much.

I'm serious lbs! I think extremely too hard about everything.  What people say, lyrics to songs, tragedies, what people wear, evverrryytthinngggg!

I just can't help it.  I like to dissect every single thing until I get to the origin of where it could have possible come from.

 But . . . *scratches head*

Maybe there's nothing wrong with that.  Maybe more people should think deeper on everything that happens around them.

So here's the challenge.

I want you to think.  Think about what people around you are doing and think about what YOU'RE doing.  I swear this will only help . . . or make you a bit paranoid lol.

And I Am Too Guilty *hangs head*

So today, just a few minutes ago actually, I was scrolling through my Twitter news feed and someone mentioned K. Michelle.  Me, being the nosey person I am went to her page and I just started shaking my head when I looked at her AVI. It was a picture of her of course, but it appeared that she had on no bottoms at all.

Why do women have to wear little to no clothing to feel beautiful?

And as I thought about why in the hell would she be posed like this, I thought about why do I find myself doing the same exact thing.  When I go out I look for the outfit that looks greatest on my curves regardless of how much material the outfit actually consists of.

Why do I feel like it's OKAY to leave out the house barely dressed?

Now at this point I could blame the actresses and vixens who grace the covers of magazines in their lingerie grasping the attention of every man that glances.  Because lets admit it, all of our favorite women are guilty of it, Rihanna and Nicki and Ciara and even Beyonce *gasp*

But that's not who to blame.  I blame myself.  I mean how long is it going to take for me to realize how I dress is how I portray myself.  I'm not portraying anyone else.

It's easy to identify the problem, now I must focus on the solution.

4 Day Diet by Ian Smith

Okay so I know I was supposed to be doing the 6 week body makeover but over the past weekend I went home to Chicago to help my mom run her literary cafe at the Black Women's Expo.  During this time Dr. Ian Smith from The Biggest Loser came to do a signing at the cafe and I decided to purchase his 4 day diet book.  Now I'll talk about Dr. Smith later in this post.  But I read the book in like one day and it was very influential to me.  It was very detailed and encouraging unlike any online diet that I've attempted to follow.  I suggest that everyone try this diet because it touches on a lot of great points and shares a lot of needed knowledge.

This is not a 4 day diet everyone.  There are 7 phases of this diet and each phase is 4 days.  So in total that a month of dieting, 28 days.  There's different food almost everyday and it's fairly inexpensive.  I needed a diet that I wouldn't get bored doing.

So in the book he had a chapter about a reward system and I wanted to share with you all what rewards I would give myself.  These rewards are meant to push you and make you want to succeed so it has to be stuff you really want.  If you don't really want it then you won't work hard.

4 pounds - New shoes
8 pounds - Lipstick
12 pounds - Pedi and Mani
16 pounds - More New Shoes
20 pounds - Designerrrr Day
24 pounds - BIKINI
28 pounds - New Phone

Okay so everyone should understand what each reward is except maybe designerrr day.  That means that I get to go thrifting and make as many pair of shorts that I want.  I love love love making highwaisted shorts and 20 lbs down I think I'll deserve it.  And by new phone I mean I'll finally get my screen replaced on my iPhone.

During this period of time I'm not going to be purchasing clothes or shoes because when it is time to make those oh-so-lovely summer purchases I want it to be for my better body.

Oh yeah before I leave you I wanted to talk about meeting Dr. Ian Smith.  Plainly, he was rude.  He had a fake smile and acted as if he didn't want to be there.  I hate when "celebrities" act like that.  I mean without us you wouldn't be much of anything except a super fit guy.  Below is a picture of us. I look a fool but believe me everyone that smile was fake as hell.  Hopefully he gets it together.

And if there are any requests I don't mind sending the menus to you.  I understand some people don't have the funds to purchase the book so I don't mind helping out.

I'll be back tomorrow when I start phase 1 - Induction and break down my starting weight and stuff.

Until then, much love. Continuing this path to glamour.

6 Week Body Makeover - Start!

Okay I'm officially starting over today.  I weighed myself and I'm 156.2 pounds. Ughhh! But it's okay I'm about to succeed and get that number down! Right at the moment I'm drinking a fruit smoothie for breakfast. Today I'll be testing out my coconut oil as well because I'm hitting the gym.

I'm uploading a few pics so you all can kind of see what my body looks like.  I'll upload some real before photos either later tonight or tomorrow.

Much success,
Courtney

A setback with some perks!

Okay as I said last week I was starting the 6 week body makeover. Well it was going good until . . . I had company and he bought Chinese food.  I loveee Chinese food so I had some :-( so now I'm gonna just start over tomorrow.  No more cravings!!!!

Well there are some perks to me starting over as well.  I bought some coconut oil as I told you last week as well.  Well instead of consuming it, I'm just gonna put some on my abdomen and put my sweat band over it before I work out everyday (well 5 days out of the week).  That should do some major improvement.  Also my corset that I ordered from Aliexpress for $10 has finally arrived after almost a month, hence the $10 payment.  So I will be corseting as well.  I did it last night and it was fine.  I attempted to wear it under my clothes at school but my bio-lab made that quite uncomfortable.  It may just be a house thing for me.

Well here are some pics, enjoy, and I hope I've persuaded at least one person to start this challenge.

 I hear organic is the best type to get.

 The corset without being tightened.  Don't mind my mix-matched socks.

 The back without being tightened.  I used the inverted bunny ears method.

The corset tightened.

Quote of the Day

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."

Think about it.

6 Week Makeover

So tomorrow I'm starting the 6 week body makeover tomorrow.  Tonight I've weighed myself and I weigh in at a whooping 162 pounds. Ughhh. I'll be taking some of my Senna organic tea to flush some toxins out for my jumpstart tonight.  I'll update on weight loss every couple days.  On average I've seen people lose 20-30 pounds within these 6 weeks and the weight almost never comes back. 

Here's a link to the BHM Forum where I got the idea.

http://forum.blackhairmedia.com/my-6-week-body-makeover-update-pg-8_topic279693_page1.html

I also bought some coconut oil while I was out but as I see for the challenge there's no oil.  So I'll do it like this, if my hair or skin starts drying I'll add a couple teaspoons of that every morning.  If not then I'll wait to start using it.  If many people don't know coconut oil is supposed to help lead to a flatter stomach, my main goal.

So yeah I'll upload some starting pictures tomorrow and see if my weight remains the same after my buddy Senna.

Bye!

Random Thought

There's no better feeling than having someone who loves you just as much as you love them.  Sighhh.

Sorry I'm being such a girl.

Angry Shit

I should really start minding my business. Lbs.  It would be so much easier if people stop putting me in the shit. Oh there's Courtney! I can talk to Courtney!  I can confide in Courtney! Courtney's always been there! Well there's a difference between confiding in me and putting me in your fucking business. Lmao I'm gonna start stopping people before they start talking like "Hold up bitch, will this information you tell me require me to deal with the same bullshit you're dealing with? If so, turn the fuck around and find someone who gives a fuck!" Sounds pretty mean but oh-well!

My Name Is . . .

A girl whose been hurt one too many times.  Had her trust betrayed one time too many.  Been used numerous times.  It's kind of funny how easy it is to use someone.  Not only to use them for sex (glad I haven't been subjected to this) but to use them for a temporary friendship or to help you do something or simply to listen to your problems.  But what's a tad bit funnier is the way the person you've used up starts to play the game and use you too.  That reaction is beyond priceless.  See I know a little something about being used.  I've been used and disposed of, used and disposed of, used and fucking disposed of for most of my life.  HAHA you're probably wondering Why in the hell do you keep letting it happen?!?!!  Well when you get your heart broken do you give up on love and decide to live your life lonely? No, probably not.  It's not healthy to live life trusting no one with a barrier around yourself.  So I'll put myself out there hoping to not get my feelings hurt and soul crushed BUT SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE! 9 out of every 10 people I meet always have hidden intentions.  But what hurts more than those 9 people showing that they're gonna use me is that 1 person left who makes my life a little bit better just to tear it down later . . .

So to leave you today I want you to think the next time you're asking someone to listen to your problems or help you out with something you can't do on your own, when's the last time you reciprocated the action. Thank God for your GOOD friends because there's definitely a shortage on them and you won't come by many.

Thought of the Day 03/03/2012

NOTHING hurts more than losing your own child but coming to terms that your child is a murderer hits pretty damn close.

Back At One

Its been a while since I've sat down and wrote
It's funny because its always been the one thing that gives me a bit of hope
This pen that silences all my tears
This paper that envelopes all my fears
This ink. The words. Those thoughts. My nerves.
My feelings shaped onto this pad creating the shapings of my insecurities
Because God knows I persecute myself to the fullest extent like I'm the prosecutor, judge, and jury
Writing has always been my little escape because for those 10 minutes life seems so much more than great
It's like the pen is lifting the world because I can't keep holding that weight
My tears are dried; my fears no longer alive
See my pad is better than any friend
I can tell my emotions with no judgement or worrying if it's getting spread to the world
It creates an innocence about myself
Like the days I had no worries, just being happy and basking in being mommy's little girl . . .