Lavender Skies

After being pushed down so much & being told how inadequate she was in terms of beauty, the ugly duckling turned into a beautiful swan.

But psychologically the swan was already damaged.  She had no mother or father to tell her how pretty she was as a child, she had no partner to ever confess his appreciation of her beauty without wanting something in return, and she had no true friend who helped pick her up from the dark trenches of her sub conscious.

Forever that swan will feel inadequate.  She will receive less than what she deserves.  She will become bitter.
Others will fawn over her beauty, but take advantage of her insecurities.  Her insecurities will stick to her as the shadows that follow her at night.  And even when those shadows leave, her insecurities will tangle themselves within the roots of her hair & penetrate the being of her soul, shining for all to see.

Mothers and fathers. Tell your daughters they are beautiful randomly.  They will need it.
Men. Cherish the women you love and never be shy to express your appreciation for all that they are. They will need it.
Friends. You must be the hero when all other saviors have failed.  They will need it.

Love & Relationships 099

There is nothing like being completely 100 with someone and KNOWING that they love you regardless.  You don't have to worry about if they're dogging you to their guys because without a doubt they would never place you on such a low level in their life.  To have someone who wants to talk to you just as much as you want to talk to them is beyond amazing.  Someone who doesn't make you settle for one word responses and ambiguous sayings via text because they'd rather pick up the phone and talk to you is just beautiful.

To have someone who is not scared to break down all their walls and dive head first into loving you is truly a gift from God.  Arguments, disagreements, and unconscious attitudes are all parts of relationships and to have someone willing to work through them instead of throwing in the towel is more than anyone could ask for.

Don't be fooled by all your dead end relationships because I promise true and pure love is waiting for each and every one of us.  You're are going to run into plenty of dogs and even be a dog every once in a while yourself but don't settle.  Never lower your standards because you'll end up stuck.  Stuck with someone who's half loving you but you're just so scared to get back out there because of all the previous heart breakers you've encountered.

THIS IS NOT ONLY FOR THE LADIES. There are so many men who go through it as well. Just because you carry a handbag and cry while watching The Titanic doesn't make you exempt from being a dog.

But all I want to say is to be patient and to love others as you'd want to be loved regardless of if you'd want to be with them in the long run.

Closure Part 2

How could you take away the one person I care about?
How could you . . . bitch?
Rhyming words can't explain my disgust
Karma can't settle this fucking dust
Bullets can't soothe my soul
Seeing you suffer isn't even my goal
I want pain ... so quick and deep
I want yells drawn out and loud
I want you to feel my pain
But I'm done...

My fucking road dog.  Partner in crime.
Just fuck me over, my heart did the time
I could be the first person you talk to in the morning and the last at night
But STILL you push me to the left; that shit not right
Lying about simple shit
You thought I was a simple bitch?
And although I'll always love you . . I'm done!

So where have I gone?
Honestly nowhere.
I've suppressed emotions and learned not to care
Changed my body, changed my hair
Sweet Courtney is listening and partly still here
But the new girl is in control and I have no plans of going anywhere

Closure Pt. 1

I'm so tired of spilling tears of hate
Tired of bashing down the doors of fate
My life is now destructing at an incredible rate

Where the hell have I gone?
To understand that -- it starts with where I've been
I swear I've been through so much shit with them

How could you like me so much but lie so much?
How could the devil have such a tender touch?
How could you work so hard just to give it all up?
Why did I finally stop giving a fuck?

All I can ask is to stop calling me with the lies
Don't speak that shit while looking into my eyes
Save your apologies and temporary goodbyes
I'll allow you to be the man and keep your pride
Because I'm done

To be continued . . . .

Live Your Life (2010)

As I was updating my Facebook page which I haven't changed since early 2009, I was looking through how the old Courtney used to be.  Granted I had much ratchetivity about myself including what I decided was appropriate to define myself by and even how I typed, adding extra letters to words and whatnot.  But I came across a poem I had wrote and despite my slightly too hood ways I realized my heart was still in the same place.  So despite the mess I seemed to act like it didn't define who I really was. Which sums up the purpose of this last paragraph -- what you post, the way you type, and the folkways we break don't define who we really are.  So next time you're judging someone just based off of what they post on a social network, realize that everything you post isn't always a direct reflection of you.  But that doesn't mean be completely reckless -- people will judge anyway. Sucks but we can only change society one person at a time.

But here goes that poem:

Life is way too short to be bulllshiting around
Live your life with a smile, never a frown
Live with love in your heart and happiness in your mind
Cause life is lovely and death is never kind

Young man died yesterday, gunshot to the head
He died that night but souls were also dead
Tears filling the canal surrounding my soul
You'll be here one minute and the next you'll be gone

9 year old girl died of AIDS yesterday
You'd never think of a child dying that way
Lived with God in her heart but still had to go
You could leave this world any time, you'll never know

This lady lived life with a burning inferno beating in her chest
Had a form of cancer living in her breast
Cried straight for a week, misery on her mind
But learned to live life to the the fullest cause death is never kind

So many of us take life for granted . . .

Rest in Peace to all my Trayvons, my Shelias, my Hakeems, my Jaelas, my God's angels . .

July.

Vacant 'I love you's
'I miss you's full of misread emotion

I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I love you.
I'm over you.

Walls - Random Thought 05/24/2013

Walls.

We build them up to block the pain and harm that we no longer want to experience.  We use them to protect us from all that unwanted hurt that people seem to feel we rightfully deserve.  But what about when those same walls start to block out happiness and joy.  What do we do when those walls are so high that we can't distinguish the difference between genuine care and false love because we won't even allow ourselves to peek over and even take a glance?

Surely these walls can protect us from everything we fear but they can also stop us from obtaining everything we've ever desired.